By

Ivana Michaelis’s

(Written on September 8th, 2012)

You know that feeling when something tears you up from the inside? So many dimly feelings, not knowing if you’re empty or weighing tons, only the pain in your chest is what you’re conscious about. You breathe heavily. And that kind of feeling wields from the moment you open your eyes. Even when you close them, sleep barely comes. And if, or when, the sleep comes, those are the only moments of peace.

Moments you feel lasting a couple of seconds yet bringing such tranquility. But, causing an ever larger emptiness when you come to your senses and realize that was not reality. You wish to believe that none of this is actually happening, waiting for someone to scream out your name and for this to be one of those rapidly forgotten nightmares. 

Days passing by as years, and years as centuries, still I heard noone say my name, to tear down the doors of the dungeon I’m in and set me free. The greatness of this dungeon makes you feel like the size can be compared to one of a castle - you run into too many setbacks, you can’t make it on your own. I’ve been fighting for a long time now and I cannot say I have withdrawn. I mustn't say that. I’m still breathing, aren’t it? Barely, but there I am. Sometimes, I see a glimmer of light and then I stare and come to a conslusion - the Moon. Reflecting the light from the Sun. 

So there is a sun, after all? It’s faraway, but it’s there. I never needed too much light, as it makes a human blind and become unaware of the surrounding dungeon and its hidden monsters. I don’t want that huge ray of happiness fixed directly at me - the tiniest part is enough to break and lighten up the dark, and I, I’ll be next to it, searching for the upbeat from the sun. However, I find it even harder to breathe at the moment. What’s it like, that feeling of happiness caused by one’s presence? A touch of their hand, the fragrance of their soul. I have forgotten. I’m still waiting. And I always will be. For the hope has not been vanquished, and will not be any time soon. 

(Written on January 6th, 2013)

Some kind of sadness often comes to my mind when I think about that, that we will never be able to change the fact that we are seeing less of our dearest as every day passes by, and that life goes by and we don't realize the presciousness of our surroundings until we lose sight of them. I like the thing Haruki Murakami said in "Norwegian Wood" that the price for the times we have lived is death, and death is part of life. It's certainly easier believing that. 

(Written on January 12th, 2013)

Ever since the age of five, I started thinking of who I wanted to be when I grow up. As the years were passing by, I had an even bigger vision of the things I wanted to accomplish in the near future. I'm eighteen now, and I get it. I'm leaving my childhood behind, and am supposed to start working really hard to become the person I'd visioned of becoming when I was younger. The thing is, I'm really scared. The time has come to stop just dreaming and put myself out there. Everything I just imagined worrying about is about to become reality. A real concern. I was always the one who kept saying to everyone "You know, not everything is going to be so easy in a few years, this little thing you worry yourself with and call a problem, trust me, isn't even close to a real problem you might encounter as a grown up" and that's what I kept telling to myself as well. I've seen things and I wondered about how could people pull that off. Dealing with, and having to worry about having a roof over your head, diseases, what comes after an unbeatable disease, accidents, food, money issues, bills, mental health, friends, family - it's all so difficult. I'm so lost in thoughts I don't even
 know what to write anymore.

(Written on February 26th, 2014)
Learn to differentiate the realistic and the unrealistic. Remind yourself that the illusion you have feelings for has just the face of the person you know in real life, not the personality. Maybe that's the hardest lesson of all when you're starting to get to know someone, you rush with your feelings and they're not directed towards the person you're seeing but the illusion you created in your head. Be careful.